This weekend has been a good one with retrospect.
Stripes
Yesterday we visited my parents. My father has had a slow growing cancer for about 10 years and in the last year it has started getting noticeable and more out of control. During my childhood there was excessive violence and Dad was such a control freak it amounted to abuse. Over the last year I have been working through my feelings for him now that the end is obviously coming and they are too mixed up to sort out. Anger, love and pity are mingled together and life is a horrible mess. I hadn't seen him since July as I just couldn't face it. Today I was glad that we went down. Despite all that has happened I can't bear the thought of him suffering and today between Peter and I we were able to talk to him and find out how he is thinking and we were reassured that he feels that the best is being done for him and that he wants to fight on for as long as he can. Mum was glad to have someone else in the house to talk to and I left feeling far more peaceful than before.
Mum gave me an old gift box for my craft storage. Here it is with others from the same shop which have been collected over the years.
Reflection
I have been very reflective over the last few months and today I got round to scrapping these photos taken by Mum in 2009. At this time it was Peter who was on chemo and Mum and Dad had come to visit us. I remember thinking then that Dad was getting old and he was having trouble walking as he didn't have much energy. Compared to now he was so fit. There are many tears and much reflective thinking going on as I do this layout.
To really tie the photos into today's word Mum has caught a reflection of Dad in my sunglasses on the photo of Peter and I.
Stripes
Yesterday we visited my parents. My father has had a slow growing cancer for about 10 years and in the last year it has started getting noticeable and more out of control. During my childhood there was excessive violence and Dad was such a control freak it amounted to abuse. Over the last year I have been working through my feelings for him now that the end is obviously coming and they are too mixed up to sort out. Anger, love and pity are mingled together and life is a horrible mess. I hadn't seen him since July as I just couldn't face it. Today I was glad that we went down. Despite all that has happened I can't bear the thought of him suffering and today between Peter and I we were able to talk to him and find out how he is thinking and we were reassured that he feels that the best is being done for him and that he wants to fight on for as long as he can. Mum was glad to have someone else in the house to talk to and I left feeling far more peaceful than before.
Mum gave me an old gift box for my craft storage. Here it is with others from the same shop which have been collected over the years.
I have been very reflective over the last few months and today I got round to scrapping these photos taken by Mum in 2009. At this time it was Peter who was on chemo and Mum and Dad had come to visit us. I remember thinking then that Dad was getting old and he was having trouble walking as he didn't have much energy. Compared to now he was so fit. There are many tears and much reflective thinking going on as I do this layout.
Cool! Bravo! Greetings!
ReplyDelete/ On Sunday, the computer is always busy. That's why I'm so short. /
the reflection in your glasses is great and i like the stripy boxes
ReplyDeleteWhat a moving post Alison and how I can understand what you are talking about. It's very difficult to come to terms with childhood feelings and memories and this impression of "It wasn't fair". It's also true that when we get older, we need to revise what we feel even if it's disturbing our thoughts, so we don't end up with regrets when it's too late and we didn't do anything. You seem to be doing that beautifully. xxxx
ReplyDeleteSome real reflection going on for you. Hope you manage to work through your feelings.
ReplyDeleteAlison a moving blog and I felt so priviledged to read it. An hour ago I had a similar conversation with my DIL who has had a horrendous year with M&D whom she hasn't spoken to for 5 years due to them being alchohlics. Her Mum has alchohol dementia and is in a care home and Dad died( 3 weeks after her Aunt) from cirrohisis of the liver.Today she was at A&E as her mother has fallen and has broken her hip.
ReplyDeleteWe never realise when we are young how difficult life is going to be when we are older.
So pleased you have better feelings about your Dad, forgiveness and love are very important
It is lovely that you have come to terms with your feelings. You will feel so much more peaceful now. A beautiful reflective blog. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI am so touched by what you are experiencing Alison, watching a parent go through it, near or far, is never clean and tidy. It is messy and difficult to put into words, so well done on getting your thoughts down or through. Watching my Dad go through it last year filled me with so many emotions I could never understand or come to terms with. I doubt I ever will fully comprehend it.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you found a bit of peace today (((hugs))) xxx I will be thinking of you especially.
Alison, I do hope it helps to share this. It isn't til we are the adults that we seem to understand how our parents may have had their failings, it's the cycle of life which we can only hope we learn from and make lives easier later on.. x
ReplyDelete